Profile Responses

Elizabeth: This is a very good first draft. I got a very good picture of where the places that the story took place in but I was not sure how many of the scenes tied in with the overall focus, which if it is the gay pig, then the ending should reflect that more. Good lead, bad kicker!

Jackie: The way I read this is that it was a story about a nurse who has a strong conviction in helping other but has limitations, like fighting pharmaceutical industries of laws relating to her job. I’d like to see it delve more into how her presence maybe has affected the community here and what here goals are, any projects she is working on etc?

Martin: I liked that small simple conversations that you had helped capture the atmosphere in the café. Your theme is clear, smoking indoors, but I felt that it became a little bit redundant in that you could explore other implications/angles about how that defines the cafeteria. What inside the cafeteria is hospitable/not to smoking, how do non-smokers feel about it and the like.

Mae: This is a good collection of scenes and descriptions that capture what the bar is like but what it is lacking is in the elements of a story, conflict-resolution, and tying into a bigger point that you should make. I wanted to know more about the regular morning drinkers, a good description of you dad maybe too.

Austin: So, this was really fun to read but really short. I wasn’t really sure if the pool of water was a little pond in the parking lot or a moat or what, so I was lost in the beginning. Write more more more more!

Toni: Good narrative, there are a lot of elements here (immigrants, hardships, community, family business, cultural divide), narrow it down a bit. Also, I wanted to know more about the location of the place, what is next to it? Is Juanita the main profile or the restaurant? Or is it a shop too? How has it changed in its history? Good used of quotes btw.